AMLO Showers Mexico with Cash and Reforms

Mexico's National Palace has become a daily stage for unusual political theater, and today's episode was no different. We dissect President Andrés Manuel López Obrador's (AMLO) morning conference.

Cash Splash Before the Curtain Falls: Forget confetti, AMLO's showering the nation with pesos! With elections looming, welfare payments are getting a double dose, delivered two months early like a pre-emptive political bribe. From working moms to pensioners, everyone's getting a slice of the pie, ensuring pockets are well-lined before the campaign ban kicks in.

Scholarship Shuffle: Education ain't left out either. With a sprinkle of 80 billion pesos, over 12 million students got their scholarship fix in 2023. And AMLO's not stopping there – the application for this year's bounty is open until January 31st! Better get scribbling, kiddos, this scholarship train might have some extra cars next year.

Youngsters Building the Future… with Big Bucks: Forget paper routes, Mexico's youth are getting paid big bucks to simply exist. 2 million 855 thousand of them, to be precise, are pocketing 7,572 pesos a month for the low-low effort of being young. Who needs the minimum wage when you've got AMLO's youth allowance?

Schools Get Swanky: It's not just people getting a makeover, schools are too! The “The School is Ours” program has spruced up 87,508 schools, with 33,000 in poverty getting a much-needed facelift. And here's the kicker – 33,000 brand-new schools are popping up like confetti at a fiesta! Education revolution, anyone?

Fertilizers and Food for Thought: While some get cash, others get dirt – literally. The “Fertilizers for Wellbeing” program is showering farmers with fertilizer like it's going out of style. And to feed the nation, the Food Self-Sufficiency Program is plumping up the wallets of 2 million small and medium-scale farmers. Seems like everyone's getting a piece of the agricultural pie.

Home Sweet Subsidized Home: Need a new roof? AMLO's got you covered (literally). Almost 400,000 housing improvement projects are underway, with community assemblies popping up to answer burning questions like “where do I put the new sink?” Housing crisis? What housing crisis?

Internet for All, Except Maybe Those Guys: Cell phone towers are sprouting like mushrooms after a rainy season, with the goal of blanketing the nation in mobile coverage by 2024. Even the internet is getting democratized, with free Wi-Fi zones popping up like wildflowers. But hey, there are still 2,230 more to build, so some folks might have to wait for their digital fix.

Wellness Breaks: Acapulco or Bust: Feeling stressed? Take a taxpayer-funded vacation to Acapulco! Almost 47 million pesos have been earmarked for these “Wellness Breaks,” ensuring weary souls can soak up the sun and forget about, well, everything. Just don't ask how those pesos were earned.

A Legacy in Ink (and Maybe the Constitution): AMLO's not letting his presidency fade into the sunset without a bang. He's aiming to enshrine his beloved Welfare Programs in the Constitution itself, making them as permanent as a Mayan pyramid. Pensions, indigenous rights, it's all going in there! Prepare for a constitutional fiesta, folks.

Archaeology and Tourism: Trains, Tombs, and Tourists: While AMLO builds his legacy, the Mayan Train rumbles on, unearthing ancient treasures along the way. Over 59,000 artifacts have been rescued, and guess what? Tourism in the Mayan Riviera is booming! Seems like history and progress can co-exist after all.

Sonora Showdown: Things got a little less peaceful in Sonora, where a criminal gang leader's arrest led to a 12-person showdown. AMLO assures us it's all under control, but let's hope the next episode of this drama involves less gunfire and more mariachi music.

Democracy? We Have That, Right?: Former presidents are weighing in, with Ernesto Zedillo throwing some shade AMLO's way. But our fearless leader isn't fazed. He's got graphs, polls, and even a healthy dose of “you're just mad because I'm popular” to counter any criticism.

Reform Roulette: Before he exits the stage, AMLO wants to leave some parting gifts. He's got a reform package ready to go, including presidential accountability (no immunity), a revamped recall election system to keep presidents on their toes, and, of course, more pesos for everyone. He even threw in a fun fact about how the minimum wage used to buy you 12 kilos of tortillas, but now it barely gets you half. Inflation's a party pooper, isn't it?

Fobaproa Flashback: Remember that shady banking bailout from the 1990s? AMLO's got a bone to pick with that one. He used his platform to remind everyone how private debt magically became public, leaving taxpayers holding the bag. Talk about a financial fandango gone wrong.

Alazraki's Antics: And finally, no AMLO show is complete without a good old-fashioned rant. Today's target? Carlos Alazraki, former president of the Mexican Association of Advertising Agencies. AMLO pulled out all the stops, calling him “a man without principles… a fanatic… obsessed with money.” Ouch. Seems like someone woke up on the wrong side of the tortilla this morning.

So there you have it, folks. AMLO's morning conference, served with a generous helping. Remember, this is just one episode in the ongoing telenovela of Mexican politics. Tune in tomorrow for the next installment, where we might see singing donkeys, dancing senators, and maybe even a piñata filled with pesos. ¡Hasta luego.

P.S. Don't forget, the application for that sweet scholarship closes on January 31st. Get scribbling, amigos.