Finding a Mexican Hotel That Doesn't Suck

Right, so you’re thinking of Mexico. Sun, sand, suspect tequila. Good for you. Frankly, anything’s better than Bracknell in February. But before you pack your Speedos and that sombrero you bought ironically, let’s talk lodgings. Because Mexican hotels, much like Mexican food, are a mixed bag. You might find yourself in a gastronomic paradise, or chewing on something that tastes suspiciously like a donkey’s saddle. Same goes for your sleeping arrangements.

Now, some people – mostly those who consider a caravan holiday “roughing it” – will tell you all-inclusives are the way to go. Endless buffets, watered-down margaritas, and the thrilling prospect of salmonella. Fine, if your idea of a good time involves fighting over lukewarm chips with a man in a Speedo three sizes too small. Personally, I’d rather wrestle a greased pig. At least the pig would have more dignity.

These behemoths, sprawling across the coastline like concrete krakens, offer about as much authentic Mexican experience as a Pot Noodle. Sure, there might be a bloke with a guitar serenading you with a mangled version of “La Bamba” while you queue for your third helping of questionable paella. But it’s about as Mexican as a Morris Marina.

Then you have the boutique hotels. These places are all polished concrete, minimalist furniture, and staff who look like they’ve just stepped out of a fashion shoot. They’ll charge you the GDP of a small nation for a thimble of artisanal mezcal and a bowl of decorative pebbles they call “conceptual art.” Don’t get me wrong, some are stunning. Properly stunning. The sort of place you could imagine Bond villain stroking a white cat while plotting global domination. But unless your wallet is thicker than a Russian oligarch’s, you’ll be living off instant ramen for a month afterwards.

Somewhere in between these two extremes lies the sweet spot. The family-run haciendas, converted colonial mansions, and charming beachside cabanas. These are the places where you can actually experience a bit of Mexico. The food is fresh, the tequila is potent, and the staff might actually smile at you without expecting a tip the size of a small car.

Of course, finding these locations requires a bit of effort. It’s not like ordering a pre-packaged holiday from some soulless travel agent. You have to do some research. Read reviews (ignoring anything written by someone who describes themselves as a “travel influencer”). Ask around. And most importantly, trust your gut. If a place looks like it’s hosted a few too many spring break parties, it probably has.

And a word about location. Tulum, for all its Instagrammable glory, is now about as authentic as a plastic sombrero. Packed with hipsters, overpriced avocado toast, and yoga retreats where you can find your inner chakra while simultaneously emptying your bank account. If that’s your thing, fine. But me? I’d rather head somewhere a bit more… rugged. Somewhere with fewer influencers and more iguanas.

Here's what you need to know to avoid a holiday nightmare:

• Location, location, location: This is key. Do you want to be right on the beach, or are you happy with a slightly more inland location? Do you want to be in a bustling city, or a sleepy fishing village? The location of your hotel will determine everything from the price to the atmosphere.
• Reviews, reviews, reviews: Don't just rely on the glossy photos and fancy descriptions on the hotel website. Check out real reviews from other travellers. You'll get a much more accurate picture of what to expect. And trust me, you'll want to avoid the ones with phrases like "cockroaches" or "never again."
• Don't be afraid to haggle: You're in Mexico, not a five-star hotel in London. You've got the power to negotiate, especially if you're booking directly with the hotel. Don't be afraid to ask for a better price, especially if you're staying for a longer period.
• Be prepared for the unexpected: Mexico is a country with its own unique charm, but that charm can sometimes come with a side of chaos. Be prepared for power outages, plumbing issues, and the occasional stray dog wandering through the lobby.
• Embrace the experience: Sure, the hotel might not be perfect, but that's part of the adventure, isn't it? Relax, have a margarita, and enjoy the ride.

So, before you book that flight to Cancun and resign yourself to a week of lukewarm buffet food and questionable entertainment, do yourself a favour. Explore. Discover. Find the real Mexico. It’s out there, waiting to be discovered. Just remember to pack a decent bottle opener, a good book, and a healthy dose of skepticism. And for God’s sake, avoid the all-inclusives. They’re the automotive equivalent of a Reliant Robin – utterly pointless and likely to leave you stranded. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a margarita with my name on it. And unlike the ones in those all-inclusives, this one will actually have some tequila in it.