How to Have an Epic Cancun Christmas

Fed up with Christmas being the same predictable, dreary affair? Turkey drier than the Sahara, sprouts that taste like concentrated misery, and Uncle Barry's annual rendition of "Mistletoe and Wine"? Of course you are. Which is why you're considering Cancun for a festive knees-up. Good for you. Sunshine, beaches, and not a whiff of Brussels sprout in sight. Sounds brilliant, doesn't it? Well, it can be. If you avoid the pitfalls, that is. And there are pitfalls. Like quicksand filled with cheap tequila and regret.

First things first: forget the all-inclusive resort. Unless, of course, you enjoy lukewarm buffet food, fighting over sunbeds with Germans the size of small caravans, and entertainment that makes a church fete look like Glastonbury. We're after something a bit more...sophisticated. Think less "lager lout in a Santa hat" and more "international playboy with a penchant for fine cigars and even finer margaritas."

So, accommodation. Villas are the only way to go. Preferably something with its own beach, a staff who anticipate your every whim (preferably involving cold beer), and a pool big enough to accommodate an inflatable reindeer. Don’t skimp. Remember, this is Christmas. A time for extravagance. Besides, how else can you justify importing a snow machine to recreate a white Christmas on the beach? Because, let’s be honest, it’s not Christmas without a bit of snow. Even if it melts faster than a snowman in a microwave.

Next, the food. Forget the dry turkey. We’re in Mexico. Think fresh seafood, sizzling fajitas, mountains of guacamole, and enough chili to melt the polar ice caps. Hire a local chef. Someone who knows their way around a habanero. And for God’s sake, avoid anything involving “fusion cuisine.” Just because it’s Christmas, doesn’t mean you have to endure a turkey taco. That's just wrong. On every level.

Drinks. Tequila is obviously essential. But avoid the cheap stuff that tastes like paint stripper. Go for something smooth, something aged, something you can sip and savor. And for those moments when tequila just isn't cutting it, there's always champagne. Lots of champagne. Enough to fill the inflatable reindeer, in fact. Because what's more festive than a champagne-filled inflatable reindeer bobbing gently in the pool? Exactly.

Entertainment. Mariachi band? Obviously. Fireworks display? Absolutely essential. A piñata shaped like Donald Trump? Well, that depends on your political leanings. But it’s certainly an option. And, of course, you'll need music. Something lively, something festive, something that doesn't involve Mariah Carey. Because frankly, I'd rather wrestle a greased pig wearing a Santa suit than listen to "All I Want for Christmas is You" one more time.

Finally, and this is crucial, the guests. Choose wisely. Avoid anyone prone to drunken karaoke, anyone who insists on wearing a Christmas jumper in 30-degree heat, and anyone who starts sentences with “Did you know that statistically…” You want people who know how to have a good time, people who appreciate a fine margarita, and people who understand the importance of a champagne-filled inflatable reindeer.

So there you have it. A foolproof guide to having a truly magnificent Christmas party in Cancun. Follow these simple rules, and you'll have a festive celebration that you'll never forget. Or possibly, depending on the tequila consumption, one that you’ll struggle to remember. Either way, it’ll be better than another year of sprouts and Uncle Barry's singing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a snow machine to order… and a very large inflatable reindeer.