Puerto Vallarta's Got It All (Except Maybe Clothes for That Guy)

Puerto Vallarta. Beautiful beaches with warm sun, clear water, and plenty of margaritas to make a mariachi sing. But lately, something else has been stirring beneath the surface of this tropical paradise: a streaking sensation. Yes, folks, a video has surfaced of a man, allegedly American, strolling across Playa de los Muertos like Adam before Eve invented fig leaves.

Now, while stripping down to the bare essentials might feel liberating under the Mexican sun, it's important to remember that public nudity is a big no-no in these parts. So, keep your birthday suit for the bedroom because in Puerto Vallarta, it's the seahorse, not the seahorse suit, that gets the golden tan. But fret not, fellow travelers! For while one man's naturist nightmare is another's headline fodder, Puerto Vallarta has plenty to offer beyond impromptu skin shows.

Michelada Mania: Forget spring break, February 3rd and 4th bring the “long weekend” of all “long weekends” with the Puerto Vallarta Michelada Festival! Hidalgo Park will transform into a bubbling fiesta of epic proportions, where the only thing hotter than the sun will be the competition for the best michelada. Brace yourselves for mind-blowing concoctions, live music by Plastiko, and enough lime wedges to build a citrusy Taj Mahal. And the best part? Eintritt's gratis, amigos! Now that's a reason to raise a glass (or five).

Bookworms Rejoice: Calling all bibliophiles! From January 25th to February 4th, the Plaza de Armas morphs into a literary wonderland with the VIII Puerto Vallarta Reading Fair. Over 50 Mexican publishers will unveil their latest literary gems, bestselling behemoths, and everything in between. Meet local authors, catch captivating book presentations, and maybe even win a signed copy of that novel you've been eyeing. Plus, there's live music, storytelling for the kiddos, and a reading marathon that'll test your stamina (and vocabulary). Book your spot, book lovers, because this event is bound to be a page-turner.

Croc Encounters of the Beachy Kind: Hold onto your sombreros, folks, because nature's reminding us who's really in charge down here. A sneaky crocodile has been spotted chilling on El Holly beach, prompting authorities to hoist purple flags (meaning “crocodile on the loose, keep your distance!”) and red flags (meaning “swimming is strictly for mermaids, not mortals”). Remember, these toothy critters are just trying to live their best reptilian life, so give them their space and avoid any awkward underwater selfies. Trust me, a vacation photo with a crocodile grin is not the souvenir you want.

Luxury Liners Take Center Stage: And if you're looking for a more, shall we say, “financially extravagant” encounter, look no further than the maritime terminal. Two superyachts, the Attesa IV and Cloudbreak, have been docked there since the new year, flaunting a combined price tag of $400 million. That's enough to buy a small island, a lifetime supply of tequila, and maybe even a talking parrot. But hey, who am I to judge a billionaire's vacation choices? Just please, for the love of all things sensible, don't try to sneak onto one for a quick jacuzzi dip. Unless you're fluent in oligarch etiquette, that is.

So there you have it: a glimpse into the wonderfully weird and wacky world of Puerto Vallarta. From streaking sunbathers to book bonanzas, crocodile cameos to billionaire boat shows, this vibrant city has something for everyone (as long as you leave your birthday suit at home). Pack your sunblock, your thirst for adventure, and maybe a good pair of binoculars (for crocodile-spotting, of course), and get ready for a Puerto Vallarta vacation that's anything but ordinary. Just remember, keep it classy, keep it safe, and most importantly, keep it weird. ¡Buen viaje!

P.S. Don't forget the michelada festival! Seriously, it's going to be epic.